Happy Eid and Happy New Years

May this year be a blessing to all
May you and your families be safe from any harm
May you all fulfill your dreams and wishes
May you find love instead of hate.

Blessed be,
Poena

oh yeah and May Saddam rot in hell! What a good day to be executed!

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Mothers

Inspired by an anonymous email I received.

Mothers, women who bear their children inside their wombs, who sign an invisible contract by blood to protect them the day they were conceived. Mothers who were once daughters and know the hardship of life, our pain is their pain, our glory is their glory and our doom is their doom, they sacrifice for us, they weep and bleed for us. They are there when we have nightmares, they flourish us with their love and support, their embrace is our haven, we are one tied by blood, we the children owe them our lives our gratitude and our respect.

BUT

There are Mothers out there who hold no true meaning behind that great title, Mothers who choose to ignore her child's cry of anguish so she could not loose a husband, "better screw around with my daughter/son then someone else" Mothers that deep in the night when she is awakened by the squeak of the bed knowing well her husband is heading towards their little girl's room chooses to close her eyes and drift back to sleep. Mothers who let their children suffer to no end, to silence their pain, to humiliate them and destroy their lives all for the sake of saving the good family's name.

These so called "Mothers" are more ferocious then the predators themselves, they feed on the raw flesh of their children, and throw what is left for the others to finish their barbaric ravishing.
Some say they are pure animals yet in the wild animals die protecting their young, so what does that make of them? what drives a human to attack his/her own flesh and blood? so many unanswered questions.

Death is my only answer, the world should be rid of them they are not worthy to live among us, they should all die. By God i should have killed my aunt when she let her son do what he did, then again she is being punished right now lying in her bed alone waiting for death to come and claim her while her husband is sleeping in the arms of his young mistress. It is really comical how life gets back at you, soon so very soon my aunt will join her son in hell and on that day I WILL CELEBRATE!

Blessed be,
Poena.

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Emails

For those who emailed me i am sorry i have not replied to you yet, i have been a little busy but i promise i will reply to all emails in the next day or two. Thank you for being patient.

Blessed be,
Poena

P.S.

For those who survived sexual abuse please feel free to email me anytime if it helps to talk about your past by all means do so. Remember you are not alone, thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

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Your Fiction, My Reality

First i would like to thank everyone who emailed me, all your emails are dear to my heart. Some of you asked me whether the contents of my blog is real or not and i shall answer your questions as much as possible.

What is fiction and what is reality? is there a difference between them? in my opinion it all depends on how each individual sees it. Your fiction could be my reality and vise versa.

I am a woman in my late 20's my family is respected and known in the Kuwaiti society, i hold a BA in science and have a great job with a well paid salary, i have a new car (not mentioning any brand name) anyone would think what more does she need? People tend to judge on what they see rarely would they discover what is between the lines or mask.

This beautiful picture that i have painted for you is only but an illusion, behind that young career woman is a screaming agonizing soul, every day of my entire life is a big lie because the real me society does not want to see nor acknowledge.

It angers me tremendously when some people deny such terrible crimes like child abuse, this world we live in contains many horrors that one cannot bare to stomach it. Yes my cousin molested me, he burned me with matches and cigarettes lighters on my legs, arms, hands until i got used to the smell of burnt skin, this was my reward for fighting him.

Want to know more? can you handle my reality?

I begged him once i asked "why are you hurting me i do not understand, what have i done, please no more please" the bastard stood there laughing then he grapped my hair and pulled me down on my knees.....
I remember him hitting me continuously on my head with a black cane that had a bulldog's head as a handle. He beat me until i fainted even that did not stop him from taking what he wanted. What i revealed to you is just a small part of my tragedy forgive me if i cannot say more, it hurts me to remember.

Where is justice when i needed it? why did they turn away from me? how come they believed his lies over my truth? when a glass is broken it could not be mended, tell me people how do you think this had changed my life? I cannot deny that this experience has effected me regardless i did not sell my body nor was i suicidal, no i am much stronger and i shall always be a fighter at heart even in my weakest state.

Someone asked me if i went into therapy, no i did not but i should have done so maybe if i did my nightmares would have stopped.

My hatred blinded me all i saw and wanted was justice, it took seven long years to do the deed starting with my monster then others followed. I no longer thirst for vengeance, I am a walking zombie, i am numb to everything if you pinch me with a needle i would not even flinch, my skin got used to the scars and wounds. I have no future, no hopes, no goals, i will never have children nor become a mother, what man would love and accept me and my past? to men in our society i am tainted and used i have been judged and condemned, but does that make it right? society should not punish those whos fate was not of their own doing.

It is too late for me now, i do not care what happens to me anymore, i just do not...
In all of my 27 years this is my first time speaking of my past in this blog, i cannot deny writing about it somehow eases my pain. I am not scared, whatever fate has install for me i gladly welcome it.

My friends I leave you to decide whether you will judge this post as fiction or reality, and what ever you choose i shall respect your decision and i shall continue to write in this journal, in a way it became my sanctuary.

May you all be safe for your families and loved ones.

Blessed be,
Poena.

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Raped

Something I wrote last night.

Get away let me be
you stole my innocence, don't you see
I am only six years
too early for painful tears
let me sleep, let me dream
please anyone hear my scream

what is this place?
why is it dark?
ugly memories I cannot erase
my body is branded with his mark

filth, shame and hate
I wish I could change my fate
to see myself young again
laughing, hoping, no more pain

raping me night after night
my small body is broken
I can no longer fight
my pleas were never heard nor spoken

I am filled with disgust
at his sick, twisted lust
do not touch me you scum
emotions drained, my mind is numb

he denied the truth
that he stole my youth
they accused me of lies
the truth is hidden from their eyes
look at my scars, do you now believe?
only then for me you will grieve.

I no longer cry
you know the reason why
I am trapped in my past
I am dying so very fast.


Blessed be,
Poena.

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Two Wolves

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.

He said, "I feel as if i have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."

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Jana and I

When i first saw Jana i wanted to hate her because she had her father's (my 1st cousin) face, i remember she was 6 years old at that time, even though his blood runs in her veins children do not carry the sins of their parents. I never saw Jana cry at all she always smiled and had cute dimples, her grandmother (my disgusting aunt) brings her along whenever she visits, Jana was her first grandchild. At times when i am in my room she would knock on my door twice then charges in laughing and making a mess, i did not mind i would stare at her playing for hours, i saw in her the childhood i never had. When i was her age i was not laughing and giggles instead i was crying in some dark corner of a small room.

As Jana grew her laughter gradually disappeared, the once happy child suddenly changed into a quiet sad girl who sometimes urinates on herself, maybe deep down in my heart i knew her bastard father was doing to her as he did to me. One time her mother came along with her expensive diamond watch and her clown face full of makeup making her look even more ugly kept on bragging and talking nonstop about her upcoming party blah blah blah....while in the other room her daughter Jana was crying quietly in the arms of a maid. I wanted to slap her mother so hard and scream "YOU FUCKING STUPID BITCH FOR GOD'S SAKE LOOK AT YOUR DAUGHTER!"

I took Jana into my room and asked her gently what was wrong knowing so well she would never tell me, she just shook her head and said nothing. To my shock i noticed a tiny round red mark just above her right elbow, it was a cigarette burn, OH MY GOD! it took all the energy in me not to react and bellow with anger. It was not enough that he tortured me but to his daughter? his own flesh and blood! that sick, perverted, drug addict ,sadistic sorry excuse of a man deserved to die! I buried my emotions and hugged Jana tightly promising her that soon everything was going to be okay.

After her father's death Jana and I became very close her fears and anxiety all faded away. Months later she revealed her secret to me and it made me throw up, it was like re-telling my story when i was sexually abused as a child. I never told her of my past and when i asked if she loved her father she replied, "My name is attached to his but he never was a father to me".

Jana and I, we are so much alike we share the same pain, same predator, no one deserves to suffer alone, what i did was for her, i have no regrets at all, just seeing her smile again and saving her before the wound was too deep was worth everything. Jana is strong, now she can live the rest of her life in peace, one day she will get married and be a wonderful mother to her children.


I wish I had someone to protect me back then...

Blessed be,
Poena.

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When Would It End?

It is hard for me to write this entry, i cannot bare it any more, for many years have i kept this secret hidden in my heart tell me how can i rip that part out and cast it away? you do not know the desperate need to be healed, to forget, to live a normal life, i deserve to laugh once in a while, i deserve to dream of happy things, i deserve to hope......

I HATE HIM! even now as he rots in his grave his wounds on my body are still bleeding, how can i heal? how? I HATE HIM! if i could i would kill him again and again and again, slit his throat.
HOW DARE HE STEALS MY CHILDHOOD! I WANT IT BACK! i want to live my life free from this pain, free from him, free from the memories..i want...i want.....
Help me God, give me some of your strength.

Blessed be,
Poena.

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Why I Chose This Path

What exactly drove me into this life? yes it did start by disposing the bastard who violated me when i was child even now the thought of him being my first cousin makes me want to vomit, i did not even go to his pathetic funeral using the excuse of being ill. Months passed after this incident and one afternoon i was having lunch with my best friend i told her about my childhood i do not know what came over me or why i did so, maybe because i wanted someone to soothe me someone to tell me everything would be fine you are not alone, i cried my heart out and at that moment i felt weak and vulnerable.

My friend's response did not soothe me it only darkened my world and crushed my hopes, like me she was also had been molested by her father's friend when she was 10 years of age, shocking is it not? makes you wonder what kind of society we live in.....We both cried holding each other we are not only bonded by friendship but by the same past, same pain, at first i felt sad then anger and rage overtook me at how easily child molesters could get away with it in Kuwait.

Months later i discovered almost every friend i knew had been molested either by a relative or a stranger, it came to the point that talking about such tragedy was like any normal conversation among the girls and no i did not mention my past. I kept asking myself why some found it easy to just talk about it even to strangers until i came to the conclusion because society does not care, families would rather hide it then shame their precious name, the victims suffered in silence their parents whom they thought would help forced them to never speak of it again, they had no one, they continued to live their lives carrying a heavy burden on their shoulders.

Newton's law,

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction"

Each victim reacted differently then the other, some loathed men in general, others became depressed and spent the rest of their lives being tossed from one psychologist to the other, some locked themselves in their homes fearing if they went out they might be harassed by men, majority became whores, so which of these categories do i fit in? i certainly did not become a whore nor did i fear men. One thing is for sure i did have an opposite reaction, since the authorities were too busy in their crusade against drugs and whore houses i took it upon myself to clean society of these animals, true not all would be caught but getting rid of one child molester makes a big difference to me. It is a slow process depending on many things which i will explain in later entries.

Blessed Be,
Poena.

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My First Entry

I wrote my very first post at Kaleidoscope , a blog for various writers, as a response to an entry written by Tantalize called Kidnapped. I urge everyone to go and read it, a sad story of incest sexual abuse, it moved me tremendously and inspired me to blog about my life. The post i have written is called Vengeance, a short summary/introduction of my experience as a victim of sexual abuse. I do not know if i have time to blog but on the other hand it might be a good way to expel some of my bottled emotions and make people aware of the problems we face today in our society, specifically Kuwait.

Blessed Be,
Poena.

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